this is happening?
when i got in to work today after four days off the first thing i did was stumble down a few stairs and rip a hole in the knee of my tights.
my striped tights. my favourite tights!
this morning i woke at 5:25 and hadn't changed position since getting into bed at 9:35 the night before. it felt great
. i put my hands up behind my head and lay in the dark, contemplating the change in the season (dark until well after 6 now!) and musing over seattle memories. how that room doesn't feel like home, just where all my stuff is. the place where i do things. not home
anyway. it was lovely to lie there thinking for a while before getting up. i thought of how alex said she opened a book first thing in the morning. i haven't done that since the summer i never had to work until 10 at the earliest, 5pm at the latest, and went through both Anna Karenina
and The Brothers Karamozov
now Neko Case is singing "This Tornado Loves You" in my head and i'm wondering what food memories i'll think back on for this period. it's time to try and eat everything in my cupboards, so who knows? it's well past time to finish my cookbook - i just realized that in my "finish before leaving seattle" timeline i didn't allow for shipping. whoops. i know what i'll be working on this weekend!Gary
found me in the break area eating my take on mjaddrah with rye berries and carrots, and sat down to tell me how excited he was for me. he said i'm making the right decision.
Jana came to my desk and talked for a good 20 minutes. i never knew much about her before this. she said she and Kay were commenting on how i have such courage, full of "such life." how they're not that type of person and are comfortable with that. funny to me because i am only 50% or less "that type of person." i'm queasy about all of this. i'm essentially forcing myself to do it, tricking myself into it. funny how it's the untempered part of me cooperating with the stable part of me to forge this impulsive effort in the name of long-term benefit when history has shown that i generally don't do well with deferred gratification. what is courage, anyway? strong will power?
shit, i haven't hardly done anything all day. senioritis. but seriously, i need to get working. 6 more workdays after today... holy fuck.