striped me

lubritorium, Prochak, livestock, livejournal redux

a livejournal mobile app. I could not have predicted this in 2002. autocorrect had some interesting suggestions for "livejournal" ...

considering the only time I regularly take to sit still and think is on the bus, perhaps this will provide some valuable captures. snaps.

it was the nastiest morning I can remember. wind blowing pouring rain right into the bus "shelter" - and me with no umbrella.

tonight is Meg's opening and I wanted to wear something nice so I ended up in the suit I interviewed for this job in. haven't worn it since.

what is wrong?

striped me

holes and tights

hangin' at meg's house again. i just love it here. and i'm soaking up her presence before i'm absolutely forced to get busy at home packing up all my crap.

eating bean dip at the kitchen table. not talking. lying on the floor in the basement studio, tagging my photos on the computer as ryan typed an email and meg did collage and opal played guitar.

wool socks are on. it's that time of year. it's absolutely wonderful.

i felt so good driving m's truck this morning... listening to modest mouse... and then one of the best breakfasts i've ever made. eggs with clancy's fancy, zucchini, garlic, and cheddar. pancakes with homemade pearsauce, banana too- and cardamom, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and hazelnut oil..

fall! you're reverberating with painful beauty!

i.e. nostalgia.

sitting outside mighty-o with yenny today was almost too much - the smell of doughnuts, the little children walking by in dungarees and orange pullovers, the blustery sunny weather. i filled out her questionnaire about the quality of the sexual instrument. as in, the text of the experiment. and then we had a beer in the empty Elysian.

saying goodbye to people is weird. i study their faces and contemplate a gap where they are. whether i'll notice. whether i'll remember what they look like, how their faces move when they speak, how their voices sound. there are a few that will definitely tear me up, though...

but the excitement of it all, and the strange propulsion i feel, makes it tough to show that.

a lot of these people i'm looking forward to being done with.

[my hair is falling out]

good night.
  • Current Music
    don't let this faded summer pass you by.
striped me

she said, "if i could have any singing voice, it would be this one."

i choked up when thanking Blynne for the $20 cash she awkwardly thrust upon me before rushing to catch a bus. She said she hadn't been able to contribute to the $100 REI gift card the other curators set me up with.

still at work at quarter to 10. stepped outside to smoke: flashback to the intense, drained feeling of college all-nighters in Angell Hall - the campus computer lab - writing papers and wrecking my system.

when this is over, i am committed to going back on a sugar-free alcohol-free diet again. i want to feel as good as i did last may. and i need more protein in my life.

awkward awkward lunch with boss at Schultzy's... how tired i am of saying "Yeah" and acknowledging how exciting my future plans are. it's raining and the thought of saying goodbye to Seattle makes me want to cry right now.

back to the boxes for a little while, then bussing my fender-less bike home.
  • Current Music
striped me

(no subject)

i was just tagging, describing, uploading, rotating, arranging (...etc...) photos for something like 6 hours. at least.

i'm up way too late.

and my finger might be fractured.

tomorrow is my going away party at work.

i don't have a speech.

i'm downloading the das racist mixtape.

i had an amazing vacation at vashon with c-line

sleep deprivation = altered state, even slight.
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striped me


this is happening?

when i got in to work today after four days off the first thing i did was stumble down a few stairs and rip a hole in the knee of my tights.

my striped tights. my favourite tights!

this morning i woke at 5:25 and hadn't changed position since getting into bed at 9:35 the night before. it felt great. i put my hands up behind my head and lay in the dark, contemplating the change in the season (dark until well after 6 now!) and musing over seattle memories. how that room doesn't feel like home, just where all my stuff is. the place where i do things. not home.

anyway. it was lovely to lie there thinking for a while before getting up. i thought of how alex said she opened a book first thing in the morning. i haven't done that since the summer i never had to work until 10 at the earliest, 5pm at the latest, and went through both Anna Karenina and The Brothers Karamozov.

now Neko Case is singing "This Tornado Loves You" in my head and i'm wondering what food memories i'll think back on for this period. it's time to try and eat everything in my cupboards, so who knows? it's well past time to finish my cookbook - i just realized that in my "finish before leaving seattle" timeline i didn't allow for shipping. whoops. i know what i'll be working on this weekend!

Gary found me in the break area eating my take on mjaddrah with rye berries and carrots, and sat down to tell me how excited he was for me. he said i'm making the right decision.

Jana came to my desk and talked for a good 20 minutes. i never knew much about her before this. she said she and Kay were commenting on how i have such courage, full of "such life." how they're not that type of person and are comfortable with that. funny to me because i am only 50% or less "that type of person." i'm queasy about all of this. i'm essentially forcing myself to do it, tricking myself into it. funny how it's the untempered part of me cooperating with the stable part of me to forge this impulsive effort in the name of long-term benefit when history has shown that i generally don't do well with deferred gratification. what is courage, anyway? strong will power?

shit, i haven't hardly done anything all day. senioritis. but seriously, i need to get working. 6 more workdays after today... holy fuck.
  • Current Music
striped me

(no subject)

dancing with my niece and nephew at cousin kelli's wedding. dancin like a mofo. shimmying with my mom. boogying with dad to Michael Jackson just like when i was 4.

my dad tried to request a line dance song and the dj said the bride specifically stipulated NO LINE DANCING. hell yeah.

watching lana's hair sway, the shadows of her neck in the yellow light, as i swirled her around, i had a bit of a moment.

i enjoyed it for its novelty.. slight loneliness, as this is the first wedding i've been to in a while without a date - but also joy at my role in these kids' lives, joy at my cousin's happiness, and the recognition that it sucks to be at a wedding with someone who's not all that into you.

i got way too excited with my camera. maybe. i decided i could be a photographer even if it meant having to shoot weddings. even after reading all those fucking terrible wedding cards at CVS today.

sigh. i'm way too tired. and the blood today. my family. oh. california california.
  • Current Music
    toto, africa, for real.
striped me

15x15 - meme from facebook

quick, "15 albums you've heard that will always stick with you."
arcade fire - funeral
nirvana - in utero
sunny day real estate - diary
flaming lips - soft bulletin
yo la tengo - i can hear the heart beating as one
dave matthews band - under the table and dreaming
my morning jacket - the tennessee fire
ida - ten small paces
hope sandoval - bavarian fruit bread
smiths - the queen is dead
jane's addiction - nothing's shocking
the cranberries - everyone else is doing it...
band of horses - cease to begin
kate bush - hounds of love
magnetic fields - charm of the highway strip
striped me

modern man

as soon as i saw the shrimp in the store i wanted it. luckily it was on my "best choices" list in the "Seafood Watch" pamphlet i carry around in my wallet for just such rare occasions when i get the urge to consume flesh.

salad for dinner: tiny pink shrimp, bursting cherry tomatoes, sweet walla walla onion, thinly sliced cucumber, chopped raw mustard greens, chunks of avocado, fresh dill from the garden, lemon + lime juice, olive oil, salt + pepper.

it was exactly, exactly what i wanted.

paired with a glass of pinot gris.

in other news.. i did a search of my photostream for "caroline" and then "alex" and got really nostalgic. i've had some amazing, beautiful moments in the past year with amazing, beautiful people. time to announce my going-away party...

...and apply for jobs in Ireland
  • Current Music
    arcade fire
striped me


i'm dealing with some serious doubt. why am i leaving? i will never be able to get such a stable job again, such a fantastic set-up, with great insurance, great stability, exactly in the field where i want to be, with the opportunity to advance, making a decent salary, with amazing friends, access to practically anything i could want for, respect, etc., etc. in short, this is about as good as it gets. why do i assume that "everything will work out" - why do i not assume that my career (whether or not i want it, i want the money and stability) will go down the toilet if I do this? god damn it. what am i going to have to show for myself? how am i going to be able to deal with a lack of financial stability long-term? why do i think i can come back and just find a job and buy a house? why am i tainting my reputation by abandoning my post in a time of need? why do i think that if i move away and lack my social connections that i'll be able to indulge in the creative/internal life i crave? maybe it's true what jae said, that i simply can't have both? why do i have such a privileged attitude, assuming i can get what i want? when is my luck going to run out? what have i really learned about myself in the past four months? hard hard hard hard hard
  • Current Music
    jens lekman